Deathie
Ultimate MUSCLE!!!
Queen of It All
The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. (Poe)
Posts: 1,191
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Genie
May 15, 2008 14:25:36 GMT -5
Post by Deathie on May 15, 2008 14:25:36 GMT -5
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fuckin' map!"
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Genie
May 15, 2008 15:51:31 GMT -5
Post by SwitchBack on May 15, 2008 15:51:31 GMT -5
And the alternative version ... A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Genie
May 15, 2008 15:54:35 GMT -5
Post by MattyAC on May 15, 2008 15:54:35 GMT -5
Hehe... both versions are equally great lol
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Deathie
Ultimate MUSCLE!!!
Queen of It All
The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. (Poe)
Posts: 1,191
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Genie
May 15, 2008 16:25:45 GMT -5
Post by Deathie on May 15, 2008 16:25:45 GMT -5
Ok...since we're granting wishes:
Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid -- who begs to be set free, in return for granting each of them a wish.
One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and analyzing what he's recited with great insight.
The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done." The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been stumping all the great scientists of the world: the mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ" The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really think you should reconsider." The guy says, "Nope, I want you to multiply my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," the mermaid says, "you don't know what you're asking! It'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having his IQ increased to five times its usual power.
Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, "Done."
And the guy is turned into a woman.
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Genie
May 15, 2008 16:30:53 GMT -5
Post by osiris2009 on May 15, 2008 16:30:53 GMT -5
Ouch. Low blow to the men, even if it is true.
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Genie
May 15, 2008 16:34:06 GMT -5
Post by SwitchBack on May 15, 2008 16:34:06 GMT -5
Clearly, this is war!! Friendship between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
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Deathie
Ultimate MUSCLE!!!
Queen of It All
The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. (Poe)
Posts: 1,191
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Genie
May 15, 2008 16:36:39 GMT -5
Post by Deathie on May 15, 2008 16:36:39 GMT -5
roflmao
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Mizer
Big Show's Toilet Paper Caddy
Death to the False Emperor!
Posts: 426
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Genie
May 15, 2008 17:59:37 GMT -5
Post by Mizer on May 15, 2008 17:59:37 GMT -5
I got one.
The President, Vice-President, and CEO of a company are on the last day of a company vacation. The CEO picks up a glass bottle on the beach and I genie emerges. The genie looks at the three and says I will grant you each one wish.
The CEO jumps up and down and says I wish to be on a beach with the woman I love on a permenant vacation.
Done. The genie snapped his fingers once and the CEO is whisked away to his wish.
The Vice-President raises her arm. Me next. I wish to be in a beautiful resort with just my husband on a permenant vacation.
Done. The genie snapped his fingers once and the Vice-President is whisked away to her wish.
This whole time the President had been watching and now stood alone before the genie.
Well, what do you wish? A fancy car? Vacation? Beautiful women?
The President smiled. I wish those two were back in the office tomorrow morning.
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Deathie
Ultimate MUSCLE!!!
Queen of It All
The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. (Poe)
Posts: 1,191
|
Genie
May 15, 2008 19:57:39 GMT -5
Post by Deathie on May 15, 2008 19:57:39 GMT -5
Ok...the wish granting continues. A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that what ever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"The woman said, "That would be okay", and for her first wish, she said that she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock too."The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."So... [glow=Teal,2,300]KAZAM[/glow] ...she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."So... [glow=LimeGreen,2,300]KAZAM[/glow] ...she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
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Genie
May 16, 2008 3:48:16 GMT -5
Post by SwitchBack on May 16, 2008 3:48:16 GMT -5
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."So the husband gets a heart attack that's 10 times milder?
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Genie
May 16, 2008 4:06:52 GMT -5
Post by MattyAC on May 16, 2008 4:06:52 GMT -5
ROFL!!! He's got you there Deathie
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Deathie
Ultimate MUSCLE!!!
Queen of It All
The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. (Poe)
Posts: 1,191
|
Genie
May 16, 2008 6:13:47 GMT -5
Post by Deathie on May 16, 2008 6:13:47 GMT -5
Interesting interpretation... ...sure, if it's funnier to you that way...that what it meant.
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Genie
May 16, 2008 14:02:17 GMT -5
Post by MattyAC on May 16, 2008 14:02:17 GMT -5
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Deathie
Ultimate MUSCLE!!!
Queen of It All
The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. (Poe)
Posts: 1,191
|
Genie
May 20, 2008 13:44:20 GMT -5
Post by Deathie on May 20, 2008 13:44:20 GMT -5
Once upon a time, in a land far away, A beautiful princess, happened upon a frog as she sat on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't fucking think so...
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Mizer
Big Show's Toilet Paper Caddy
Death to the False Emperor!
Posts: 426
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Genie
May 20, 2008 15:09:44 GMT -5
Post by Mizer on May 20, 2008 15:09:44 GMT -5
Ohhhh, burn. Nice.
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Genie
Sept 4, 2008 16:32:53 GMT -5
Post by SwitchBack on Sept 4, 2008 16:32:53 GMT -5
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr.Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.
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