The Chupster rants on the Ace of Spades

[The Chupster]

Backstage, Hugh Jass is trying desperately to appear suave and debonair to some lowly tech ladies who look like cheese smells. He's brandishing his widest grin at them and his "come hither, donut" stare, and it MIGHT just be working.

Hugh: So, uh, maybe after we wrap all this up, we could go out, get a drink, maybe some baked goods...

The girls giggle, their faces somehow not swaying Hugh's resolution, his penis commanding him FULL SPEED AHEAD despite the history of human sexuality begging him to detour down a less frightening avenue, like maybe a rusty carrot scraper, or a dirty crackwhore with a mouth full of razors.

And then it happens.

The Chupacabra comes down the hall and grabs Hugh by the chin, slamming him up against the painted cinderblock wall, bouncing his skull neatly off the wall once. Hugh tries to say something, but the hand between his second and third chins won't let him. The girls squeal.

Chupa (still staring at Hugh): Bitches, leave.

The more human-looking lady has no problem with this course of action. The other is one of those mouthy bitches that always has something to say, despite the fact that logic and common sense are both trying to wave her away.

Ugnaught 1: Hold on, you can't...

POW!!! She gets it full-on, right in the face with Ol' Bessy, the Chupster's heirloom sawed-off sledgehammer. She flies for about 5 feet, hits the floor she-mullet first and slides, unconscious with a vengeance. Chupa loosens his choking hand slightly.

Hugh (between choking in air): Goddammit Chup, I could'a had a threesome... with actual people... without paying... or sedating them. Fuckkkkk...

Still staring at Hugh, the Chupster points unerringly at the cameraman, whistles sharply, and points down at the ground. The camera view waddles over to where Chupa is pointing, getting a good view of Hugh's rapidly reddening face and the unmistakably furious masked visage of the Chupacabra.

Chupa: So, Hugh. Feel up ta an interview?

Hugh nods emphatically.

Chupa: Wanna guess why ah'm in such a good mood?

Hugh (squeaking): Minion?

Chupa: Very GOOD. Now, when this shit went down, why wasn't ah the first person yer fat ass found?

Hugh shrugs slightly.

Chupa: Yeah, ah dunno either. So let's do this right.

The Chupacabra releases his force grip on Hugh's donut funnel. Hugh gasps, holding said donut funnel and breathing for a few seconds.

Hugh (wheezing): So Chupa... any idea why... Matty Ace... would attack Minion?

Chupa: No, Hugh, ah ain't got not the first fuckin' clue. But see, Minion an' me, we're pretty decent friends. Hell, ah originally talked ta him about the whole Monsters Inc. thang. So ah ain't takin' the news o' Matty Ace clobberin' him all that well.

Hugh: Yeah... been trying... to find him... ask why...

Chupa: Why Hugh, ah appreciate that, ah really do. But you don't hafta worry about any o' that.

Hugh (looking confused): Why...?

Chupa (suddenly turning full-on at the camera): BECAUSE AH DONE GOT ME A MATCH FOR ADRENALIN WITH THAT SAWED-OFF LIL RATFUCK PIECE'A GARBAGE, AN' WHEN THIS GOATSUCKER'S DONE, HE'S GONNA HAFTA DO ALL'A HIS DICKLICKIN' THROUGH A STRAW, CAPICHE??? MATTY ACE, Mister High-an'-Mighty Ace'a Spades, you done fucked with one'a maybe five people in this life that ya damn sure shouldn't have, an' when ah'm done with ya- an' make no mistake; this ain't gonna be over until ah AM done with ya- yer proctologist is gonna be able ta open up a shoe store with all'a the boots he's gonna be pullin' outta your ASSHOLE!!! ADRENALIN, ya double-crossin' lil fuckstick- you best pray yer gods fer some mercy, cuz the Goatsucker ain't gonna show ya NONE!!!

The Chupster grabs the camera lens and shoves, and the camera and cameraman hit the floor, just barely catching the Chupacabra as he storms off, a series of curses following along behind him.